The correct way to wipe requires but 1 square of toilet paper:

1: Take square and fold it in half horizontally (creating a rectangle). [:::::: ]
2: Fold rectangle in half vertically, from left to right(creating a square). [::]
3: Tear off upper left hand corner (save torn corner).
4: Completely unfold square of toilet paper. [ o ]
5: Insert index finger into the whole in the center until the finger is all the way in. (Use of the right or left index finger is optional, except in the Middle East).
6: Using the finger inserted into toilet paper whole, wipe unsightly excrement from gluteal fold.
7: Remove toilet paper from finger, gripping the toilet paper tightly, pulling in off your finger in a rotating motion.
8: Recover the "torn corner" and use it to clean any unsightly excrememt that may be present under your finger nail.

I sincerely hope these simple instructions help you to lead a more pleasant life.

Thanks for the advice, Ted.

For the record, I tried your advice about 10 minutes ago. Unfortunately, I believe you overlooked:

9: Please remove all irregularly-shaped rings or other finger ornaments before applying method.

Yeah.

TBT

It appears that hardly anyone wants to take a shot at this one, but due to the tremendous size of my balls, I'm going to. 

#1 - this is one of those things where you just have to find your own way in the world.  Until you become a paraplegic, or grow too old to wipe your own ass, you are alone with your ass hole when it comes time to clean it.  Be responsible.  Wipe until white.  You must find the way to a clean butthole Taboo-son... alone. 

#2 - shave before you take a shower, and then hop in.  Shaving will open your pores, and then make getting your face clean in the shower easier.  When you get out, they will still be open... that's when you put on the aftershave.  It'll burn like hell, and help you determine your threshold for pain... There are many schools of thought on this one... shave with hot water and it will feel better.  Splashing w/ cold water after shaving will close the pores up... a disposable razor will get dirty and lose it's sharpness after X number of shaves.  When it's no longer sharp it will cut you.  (that's bad)... if it's dirty too, then you're just asking for trouble.  It'll just take a little firsthand experience to teach you this lesson.  You'll figure it out. 

#3 - genetics.  deal with it.  Someday you'll hit puberty and facial hair isn't the only thing that will grow. 

#4 - pluck away... it's not just for women anymore... it's for 'metrosexuals' too.  Hair gel & dryers?  it all depends on how much hair you have.  And how in-touch you are with your feminine side. 

#5 - You can't dance because you're white... There, I said it.  Sue me. 

#6 - think about posture when you're worried about making a good impression on someone.  Think about it when you're concerned about your 'golden years'.  Think about it when you're concerned with being an upstanding member of society.  Other times, just say "ah Fuck it"

#7 - no

#8 - many women are very adventurous... much more so than they admit in public.  When you're alone with her, try it all... especially if she's young.  (i'm gonna get flamed for this one)... stick it in her butt, encourage her to swallow, fuck her in the backyard, do it all... she's gonna go crazy for about 90% of it.  Be creative.  It'll make her next boyfriend's life a living hell.  (he'll never stack up to your antics)

#9 - "The Road Less Traveled" by Scott Peck M.D.  Read it. 

#10 - Yes... most of them will appreciate it.     

#11 - ask her out if that's what you want to do... but you said you have a girlfriend... which is it?  Don't cheat on your woman.  I've been there, done that, and I can assure you that it's not worth it.  'course, every generation must learn for itself that the stove is hot, so if you must test it, burn away.  But burn you will. 

#12 - 3.5 weeks with or without washing them?

#13 - in this order: pay bills on time (they'll be around even after your girlfriend is gone).  Take the trash out when she asks.  Cook her dinner. 

#14 - it all depends on how much hair you have.  do you want to look like Kurt Cobain? then don't brush.  Want to look like the guy on the cover of GQ?  brush brush away.

#15 - Never be embarrassed.  Somewhere in the world there's a woman who goes to a dildo factory everyday and spends 8 hours a day making fake cocks.  You've got nothing to worry about.  Chances are, the guy or gal behind the counter is jealous when you buy condoms... at least you're getting some.  As a side note, you should have seen the look on the old woman's face when my girlfriend and I bought a box of 36 condoms, a tube of lube, and a new leather belt.  Good times... Good times...

#16 - apparently you don't know how to tie a double knot. 

#17 - Learn how to 'stare' at pretty women without making it obvious.  When you talk to 'em, don't stare at their tits.  Believe it or not, they really appreciate it when guys look them in the eyes... (I have no idea why) ...staring at them will not increase your chances with 'em anyway. 

Fuck this is taking forever!

#18 - They work as long there is mutual attraction.  If a chick is 'into' you, it won't matter what you say, she'll let it slide.  But don't push your luck.  Remember to just 'be yourself', whoever that might be. 

#19 - I don't know... I know I do sometimes. 

#20 - Be yourself.  If that's how you smile, then that's how you smile.   

Disclaimer: I'm not claiming to know it all... Truth be told, I'm kinda dumb.  I hope that at least 1 out of my 20 responses will help you in some fashion.  If one of them makes someone chuckle, then my work here is done. 

9: Please remove all irregularly-shaped rings or other finger ornaments before applying method

Yes, that would be good advice. Unless you feel it leaving them on would add to the experience.

1) As a woman I can tell you, front to back is best. The amount of toilet paper directly correlates with the # of times flushing between each wipe.
2) Shave in the shower. Less messy. Up or down will do. No shave everything, including the cheeks. Hot water works for me. The Mach3Turbo ( I use my husband's so I know) can be used until the little moisture strip above the blades is white. Don't know about the aftershave.
3)Women hate mustaches anyway...too scratchy...screw it!
4)Plucking is for everyone, but only women talk about it. Nair however is good for back hair on men. Have devoted woman apply.
5)Dance is an inherent talent, however, those who can't dance have pity on others who cannot.
6)Posture is important only when feeling pains from previous poor posture.
7)No, but everyone professes to floss.
8)As far as she will let you.
9)Most do suck, but some don't
10)Only if they nod and smile
11)If you want to be a father to her child
12)No, as long as they do not smell.
13)The trash, most definitely.
14) Either works unless you are going for the "bed head" look...use neither then.
15) Only be embarrassed for Playboy. It shows you are either lonely or with a woman who doesn't satisfy you.
16)You don't double knot?
17)Always ok to stare as long as SO doesn't notice...if she does, tell her you were thinking how lucky you are to have her and not the one you are staring at.
18)Rarely
19)Yes, mostly in the car
20)Only more brightly...consult your dentist

1. yall seem to have intuited your ways thru this one so im gonna pose a followup question.  any chance at all that big bear is correct or is he shittn the lil nerdy lookin bear when he gets all grabby about the tp and starts singin what you thought was enuff now is too much?  how come, in a nation that makes cotton mather look like larry flynt when it comes to moral values, they can air a commercial in which one very young male bear sibling does a solo song n dance act while his sister blithely squats in front of a tree and takes a shit.  after wiping her ass with some toilet paper that we used to love but now we adore, they switch roles.  the whole time the father bear is lewdly ogling his kids (well...hell i dunno, maybe hes just hungry)

2. i cant see in the shower

3. i had the opposite problem.  for a long time i figured as long as i was alive i was savin bob dylan from winnin a gillete award for worst failure, facial hair division.  but i could grow a mustache.  then one day not too long after my 6th youngest sister was graduating college, boom. it just happened.

4-7 i got no idea

8. well past the point id wanna venture if you fool around and buy her a strapon.

9. i know who dont read any of em.  he lives in dc and he today attta press conference he said 'if i was one of the troops on the ground in iraq ..' but i couldnt hear the rest of it cuz i was howling with laffter.

10. okay? it sure the hell aint okay to waste such fortuitious opportunities to meet new friends and influence people. some day youll be old and you wont know how to do it properly.

11-18. ive gotta recuse myself because of conflicts of interest. like im not very interested in those 8 questions but i dont wanna start any conflicts

19. the solution to this one is simply adapt and apply the ' you can blow your friends and you can blow your nose, but you cant blow your friends' noses' postulate.

20. watch tapes of bush speeches. dont emulate him

15) Only be embarrassed for Playboy. It shows you are either lonely or with a woman who doesn't satisfy you.

Heather - You may want to reconsider this one... that's a common misconception among women, and it's simply not true.  A guy could be dating a porn star that looked like Courteney Cox and be fucking her 3 times a day, and he would still check out Playboy magazine.  It's like the tides, it just happens.  Women really shouldn't take it personally. 

you are either lonely or with a woman who doesn't satisfy you.

or with a woman who likes to look at chix, has less cents than dollars and dont mind wastin money on overpriced fluff usedta be porn.  nothin more discomforting than wasteful spending.

1. Fold, wad, front-to-back, back-to-front, just do whatever it takes. Just remember if you have a hairy ass check for dingle berries.
2. Down for me... when I bother to shave, which isn't until I'm itchy on the face. Or have your wife, girlfriend, SO do it for you.
3. Do you have red hair? If so you may never grow a mustache... unless you're one of the select few hairy red heads. Otherwise patience young one.
4. See Ryan Seacrest.
5. Wise girl once told me, "If you don't dance you'll probably go home alone." Wish I listened. If you're drunk you probably won't remember that you danced poorly.
6. Hanging with the group? Don't worry about it. On a date or a formal affair? Posture is a good idea.
7. Probably not, but your dentist knows if you do or don't. If your hygienist is a cute, you'll wish you had.
8. Is she a prude? Ask her what she likes. Or just go to town. Don't where a bumper sticker that says, "How's my love making?"
9. Who reads the NY Times? Only book critics and authors, unless the book is one of Oprah's book club books.
10. Only if they look approachable. Otherwise just walk around with your head down bumping into things and people.
11. Sure why not. You may regret not asking her when you're alone later that night.
12. Are they the same pair or the same type? As long as you wash them.
13. If you don't mind living in the dark or if someone else is paying the bills, then the other two.
14. Fish bones worked okay for the Flintstones.
15. condoms? As long as you're not also buying a pack of rubber bands. PB? You read the articles, right?
16. You're a nerd that everyone likes to pick on in school aren't you?
17. Tell them they should start worrying when you stop looking at other women.
18. Can't help you there.
19. Remember you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but never pick your friend's nose.
20. Or choose not to smile.

"The Dude minds, man!" Yes. The Dude minds. Now, I will set loose the torrent. The whole world is my classroom, and its various peoples will be my instructors.

Come On Man! It's "The Dude Abides!" I'm emberassed for both of us for even having to point this out. Please consult your Big Lebowski handbook before you make such errors in the future.

-Suspeckted

you guys must be jacks of all the trades. you had good parents-- thorough, certainly. I'm closing in on some new knowledge, but wisdom still eludes me. Ninja-like. Very stealthy.

1)For the sake of discussion, let's assume that Ted's technique is useful, but not in the strictest sense "good". Analyzing the other responses, we have a very buddhist position--perhaps more zen than buddhist?--from imajinit. We have solid, triple A directions from the obviously experienced Heather ("front to back") and a somewhat uncomfortable parable from kingbee. Right now I'm going to address Heather's suggestion: I want to believe you Heather. For men, the back to front method seems like you're just going to build up a large deposit and leave it like a rug on the danglers. But front to back is so unsatisfying. . .like life is incomplete. There has to be a better answer!

2)The "shave before shower" method may clean your face pretty thoroughly, but it also removes cheese-like slabs of skin, especially during the winter. I'm with kingbee, having visual issues in the shower. Am I the only one who feels like shaving afterward works best? Where are you, wisdom? How might I find thee?

3)I feel like crying--30 years old. . .my race has been run. No handle bars. No chic goatee. Bah.

4)This one's a real eye opener. Oh my peoples: what say you to the tale of the man who plucked and in return received the blackest, most unsightly hairs of all? Will I doom myself to a life of Stephen King look-alike contests?

5)Maybe the question need to be rephrased: I accept that I cannot dance. Should I bother faking it, or should I stick to stronger drinks and passing out before they drag me out on the dance floor?

6)Posture + walking = slow walking. Am I wrong or just deformed?

7)No surprises.

8)Creativity has always been my biggest blessing and biggest curse. That's more of a side note, really.

9)I enjoy reading, usually. But in general, I find the NY list often is a great way to learn what books to avoid.

10)Can I ask them random, silly questions, though?

11)I guess I should clarify: I have a girlfriend, and I'm not searching either for a substitute or a halftime show. I was thinking more of the "Office Space" dilemma: is the guy asking out his server an asshole or a confident young gentleman?

12)I probably shouldn't have asked this one: I'm wearing the damn jeans regardless. They get washed with the new moon. Period.

13)This was more of a quiz question, or a trick question, actually. The correct answer is that they all must be completed, preferably at the exact same time. Which ever you complete last was the one you should have completed first.

14)Looks like it's off to the salon, for me.

15)i actually ordered these in ascending order. I'm fine with the condoms; the Playboy gives me a twinge, but I can keep my gaze steady by remembering that I did not buy the Penthouse, I did not buy the Hustler or the Club or Juggy-Juggy-Doo-Doo. I'm practically a saint. The bodywash ironically makes me feel a little unclean; and the pink squishy thing--well, this is a guilty pleasure that I might just scrap altogether. Sniff.

16)I know the storied double knot. But then you have to untie your shoes everytime. . .uh-oh, do you guys untie your shoes everytime?

17)Let's change this question for the moment. Let's say I DONT have a girlfriend. Is it offensive to stare, if I put more adoration, less lust, into my gaze?

18)Pick-up lines DO work, don't they? Crap.

19)Let's not worry about this one. I pick mine enough for everyone.

20)My smile is brilliant already. This one is for other people.


Gimmie, gimmie. More wisdoms, please.

TBT

WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SUSPEKTIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Dude abides AND the Dude minds. Both. Go check. Different parts. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.


No lore challenges. GGGGRRRRRRR.


TBT

winterblade:

20)Very useful. Now I can avoid dealing with #7, and probably #10, #11, #18, conceivably #5, and eventually #8.

TBT

There has to be a better answer!

there is.  but it's pretty scary.  check out japanese computerized toilets.